Ambiguity with a garnish of hate

Doubt and uncertainty are probably two of the things I fear most in this world.  I do not like the unknown.  I need everything spelled out for me in a very bold, yet simple,  font,  free of indistinguishable flourish and rhetoric.  The bottom line being, I need the facts, complete forthrightness  and I would prefer my life’s story not be a mystery.  Unfortunately, this is where I always seem to find myself.  Whether it is the relationship (or the lack thereof) that I have with my parents or the seemingly lack of commitment I’m able to find in love and romance, I’m forever swirling around helplessly in a sea of ambiguity.  None of the pieces of my life’s puzzle ever seem to come together to give me that “Ah Ha” moment!

At nearly 42 years of age, I fear that I have absolutely no insight as to who I am as a woman.  I hate that.  I want to be more than just a daughter or a sister.  I want to be more than just an aunt or an on again/off again girlfriend.  Motherhood will never be a badge of identity that I’ll wear.  I won’t ever look into the face of a child and see my own reflection staring back at me with wide eyes of wonder; but I’m resigned to this.  I don’t ever see myself waking up to my true love knowing that we share a love that will outlast both of our lives.  I seem to be the woman that men are fine with just dating here or there and having impromptu flings but not the woman that a man wants to spend the rest of his life with.  I’m semi-resigned to this.

It’s incredibly difficult to find myself at such an impasse at this point in my life.  I should be settled in my mind and in my heart.  I should know exactly who it is that I represent as a woman and yet I haven’t got a single clue.  I know who I love in this world but I don’t really know who loves me in return.  Words can be spoken but I’ve learned not to put my faith and trust in words.  Words break my heart.  Words hurt me.  Words are empty promises and unfulfilled dreams and aspirations.  Words are invalid as far as I’m concerned.

What I wouldn’t give for one defining glimpse into my identity.  Enlightenment.  I crave it.  I would devour it for its fulfillment yet savor it for its clarity and serenity.  To quote the melodramatics of William Shakespeare, ” ’tis a consummation devoutly to be wished”.

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Castles in the air

I’m trying to write…again.  I feel like I have so much going on in my head at any given point in time and yet I can never find a way to get it from my overloaded brain to pen and paper.  There is always something that keeps me from being able to sit down and just let the words flow in prolific articulation.  I’m not a blogger.  At one time, I did the “blogging” thing.  I wrote because it was what I was supposed to do in order to garner in as much traffic as possible.  I made money from my blog.  I made good money; then I quit.  I gave up blogging and writing because I wasn’t feeling it anymore.  There was too much pressure to fit into the confines of the blogging society and I could never quite fit in.  Ever.  Popularity has never been one of my strong suits.  It wasn’t when I was 15 nor is it now when I’m somewhere in my early forties.  I don’t care either.  I’m quite adept when it comes to not fitting into societal allegiance.  That being said, I still miss writing.  I’ve wanted to write since I was in the second or third grade.  I always knew that I would want to great things with words and I wanted to develop an ability to tell a story and to take words and make something meaningful from them.  Thirty years later and I’m still working on this.

These days the only writing I find time for is in the form of academic papers.  Many of them!  I’m four weeks away from finishing my Psychology degree and I’m five weeks away from starting my first class towards my next degree in English Literature.  It’s my love of words that draws me in.  I have read and continue to read amazing works of literature running the gamut from centuries old to newly published.   I crave to be able to take the twenty-six letters of the alphabet and form them into words which then in turn transform into a profound piece of written material.  Something that will one day be my legacy.

I’m not a writer.  I won’t even pretend to be.  There is no “freelance writer” attached to my resume.  I don’t have the audience to make the money from a blog anymore and I’m okay with that.  I don’t want to write to make money (although I would have no issue in making a bit of coinage here and there).  I just want to write.  I want to be able to finally start taking all of the random thoughts out of the recesses of my mind and start putting them together to form something that exemplifies who and what I am.

I think Henry David Thoreau said it best when he said “If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be.  Now put foundations under them”.  So that’s what I’m going to do.  I’m going to put a firm foundation under all of my castles and watch them take a more solidified formation.  Maybe I’ll end up with my legacy after all.  Time will tell the story…it always does!

Everything Begins Somewhere

I’m not a philosopher.  To be quite honest, I often doubt my intelligence when it comes to really delving into the philosophical works of the likes of Plato.  But I read, and I absorb (or at least I try to).  Martin Heidegger  was an influential German philosopher.  His best known book, Being and Time, is thought to be one of the most important philosophical works of the 20th century.  Heidegger was a very controversial man.  This basically stems from his involvement with Nazism and he made statements of support for Adolf Hitler.  So obviously, right off of the bat, I’m not going to be a proponent of Heidegger.  However, the man made some profound statements in his time that didn’t include Hitler or the eradication of an entire race.  Heidegger was once quoted as saying

“Questioning is the piety of thought.” The only limit to truth is your stomach for it.”

That’s my entire reason for starting this blog.  We, as humans, should consistently be seeking the truth in all that we come in contact with in our daily lives.  Zen is intellectual honesty. Zen isn’t Buddha and Chinese characters and sitting around in the lotus position trying to get yourself into some distant realm.  Meditation is just a method to get in contact with the Zen that’s already within you.  Zen is enlightenment.  Enlightenment is seeking the answers to the questions.  The question doesn’t matter.  The method of getting the answer doesn’t matter.  Knowledge is key, no matter what the subject matter.

I come in contact with so many people who are political, social, and religious/spiritual lemmings.  They don’t take the time to find the answer’s to life’s questions on their own.  I may ultimately end up agreeing with someone’s notion or theory but I’ll be damned if I believe it just because it’s what I’m supposed to do or because it’s what my political party affiliation says I’m supposed to believe.

This will be a place to rant, rave, enlighten, meditation and just Zen out.  Anything goes.  Humor, Political, Economic, World Affairs… it’s all going to be here.  What you won’t find here is any form of proselytizing.   Opinions are simply that.   Opinions.   If you agree, great.   If you don’t agree, fantastic.  The key is to seek out the answer to whatever the question may be and be confident in the truth that you come up with.  Just make sure you can stomach what you find!

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